If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Randomize
