I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
