kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
