1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
