Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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