she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
