i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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