just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
