Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
