You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
