dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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