I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
