I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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