Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
