I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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