Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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