You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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