I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
