Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
