if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
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