I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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