i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
