Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
