Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
