You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
