It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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