Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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