Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
