I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
