Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
