i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
