I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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