I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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