Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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