Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
