Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
