so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
