oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
