She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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