my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
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