I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
