textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Randomize
