I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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