I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
