someone threw a dead crab at me
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I wish I only lived at night.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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