I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
