You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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