meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
