now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Randomize
