ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
