Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.