Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives