he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
