Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
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Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
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Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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