remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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