You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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