proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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