it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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